Saturday, May 22, 2010

Feeling stupid

Lately I've had an overwhelming feeling of stupidity. Everything I say and do feels like it's bashed by some holier than thou grammar nazi or trivia guru or stuck up IT asshole (yeah, I'm a stuck up IT asshole sometimes, but I do it with style and grace… ok style.. ok.. shut up).

Anyways, so seriously, in every aspect of my life I feel like a complete retard. I forget how to speak, how to think, how to do anything. So, I got to thinking why do I care if other people think I'm mentally incompetent? I mean, outside of my superiors at work and my significant other, does it really matter? Probably not.  However, my self esteem has always been based on what others think of me in that department.  I have never felt adequate in any other way (looks, personality, aspirations), so I guess intelligence is the only thing I've ever felt I had going for me.

It's really quite annoying.  I have no idea what I could be doing to kill off my brain cells (I say as I take another sip of my martini).  I'm sure many people would tell me I either need God or prescription medications to make these thoughts of inadequacy go away, but I don't think that's the case.  The God I believe in would encourage figuring it out myself, and I have always felt like prescription meds kill my creativity and intelligence, not improve upon it.

So, I think there really is only one answer.

I have to do something I have managed to avoid for nearly 10 years.

I have to… gulp… go to college.

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